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They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. Dad used people for his own good. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. Have you read Tumblr recently? I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. Definitely. You always give good advice (duh!) Im not even saying all of the things listed are mature and intelligent, but that people can be smart and informed and still like these things. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. This breed of intimate relationship dweller does the opposite of maintaining a sane interpersonal environment. To care for our two young kids. painted_lady I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Tell her how much he appreciates it. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. Thats still not OK. Find a common ground youve got to. YUCK. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. My comment obviously wasnt clear. It cant be. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. Its a source of strength, comfort, and love. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? If he wants her to take an interest in his hobbies, he needs to feign interest in hers. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. there are people out there who dont know what This Old House is? Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. But you know what. I am a much better, well adjusted adult because he did this instead of pretending to like whatever show I was watching at the time. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. It struck me the wrong way, too. EVER. Also hi BGM. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? I simply didnt get it.) If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Sometimes those things just happen. 2. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? My husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn't like. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. Hes putting her down. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. He liked baseball and trivia and languages and anthropology all stuff I didnt really care about. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. lets_be_honest Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. lets_be_honest Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. I was able to read teen magazines but they made sure it was balanced. Older and (hopefully) wiser Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. lets_be_honest The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? July 2, 2013, 11:06 am. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Buffy was popular in what, 1997? The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). Which is exactly why she wrote in. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Obsessed with dolls? She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. Cover your daughter and her husband with generous . Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. Camping? July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. meadowphoenix Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. painted_lady Before the 12 year was born. And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. Hmm, maybe. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. Ha! If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. BtVS not mature and intelligent? lets_be_honest And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. This sounds a lot like my childhood! Yeah, unless you get something you cant do like spell backwards while jumping on one foot, then it just sucks, and you feel stupid. Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Terms & Conditions . Things like going for ice cream. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba Hah! Does he like the 80s music? Find your shared interests and go from there? This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. 2. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. My father would have considered my sister and I uninformed if we held an opinion that he didnt share, even if we weighed both sides and did research on the issue. He may be uncomfortable talking about his feelings or sharing personal stories. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. Seriously, though I obviously realize the error of my ways now My point being that while my dad exposed me to things that interested him, he also jumped feet first into things that interested me and NEVER EVER made me feel silly or stupid because I was a 12 year old who liked things that other 12 year olds did. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. Nip . Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. Settlers of Catan! My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. Are you on Tumblr? Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. Thats awesome! Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. My best friend is in that episode! bittergaymark She may still resent her father and you! The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. Instead, you never know how they are going to react to a given situation. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. Awesome show full of information. Heck no! Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). No, but we went, because thats how we spent time together- projects and DIY fixes. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. Another possible reason is that hes trying to save his daughter from being hurt, which is an admirable goal. temperance So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) Do not let that behavior continue. lets_be_honest After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. Talk about making a little go a very long way. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. They loved it, I hated it. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. What kind of history and science is your husband into? If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm. And he doesnt have to hide that. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life.

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